Hudson recommends being open about your feelings from the get-go, particularly to “lower the chance of a friend-firing.” But being honest with your friend about your crush doesn’t mean you can set arbitrary rules about how anyone should act in order to protect your feelings or prove their loyalty to you.
The consideration they take can affirm the value of your friendship, which will hopefully empower you to reciprocate with the same level of respect.“I initially really regretted coming clean to my friend and her girlfriend about my crush,” says Annie*, 36, of Brooklyn, New York.
Mc Veigh warns that this is a downward spiral with no upside.
Set clear intentions with your friend by saying that though you are happy for them and the person they’re dating, you need some time to shift your own feelings so that you can show up that way.
It may be hard to control compulsive thinking about the situation at first.
“Both of them were really nice about it, but [it was] also kind of uncomfortable.” When asked if she still feels regret, Annie was quick to say no. Getting it off my chest made it easier to get over, and [it] helped both of them be a lot more sensitive.”Ultimately, there’s no magic cure for a bruised ego and the special breed of heartbreak that comes from a crush choosing a friend.
But there are ways to move through the process with dignity and grace while even learning more about yourself, your friendship, and how you want to show up when attracting romantic partners in general.
“Keep showing up authentically and as the best version of yourself, and it will come.” To help yourself move past the jealousy and comparisons, it may be helpful to think about what the best version of yourself really is and bring it forward.
Joey*, 23, who lives in West Palm Beach, Florida, felt really diminished after his crush confessed her feelings for his best friend.While honoring your feelings is important, it’s also useful to recognize unhealthy feelings that might be holding you back.You may be tempted to criticize or compare yourself to your friend and wonder what makes them more desirable than you.“I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had that I didn’t,” he says.“Getting so wrapped up in comparing myself to my friend was making it even harder to act normally around both of them.“Picking someone I could really word vomit my feelings too without judgment (my mom) and then promising not to obsess over it with other people helped me move on a lot more quickly,” she says.